Trump Delivers Historic Gas Price Victory
President Donald Trump delivered the greatest domestic triumph of his Iran policy Friday, lifting gasoline above $4 a gallon and allowing Americans to experience national strength through the credit-card reader. Trump urged citizens to accept “slightly higher” fuel costs as the national average reached roughly $4.01 and the Strategic Petroleum Reserve fell below 300 million barrels. Administration officials said the increase confirmed that American energy dominance had entered its most advanced stage, in which fuel dominates household budgets until groceries, medicine and commuting voluntarily withdraw from the marketplace.
Republicans facing complaints ahead of the November midterms have begun explaining that expensive gasoline is not inflation but a freedom surcharge collected by every pump on behalf of the commander in chief. Each additional dollar, party officials said, gives motorists another opportunity to reconsider whether driving to work is necessary or merely a decadent entitlement left over from the era of affordable transportation. “We have the best gas prices because the higher they go, the more valuable the gas becomes,” Trump said. “Nobody has ever made gasoline this valuable before, and Americans should thank me every time the pump takes another hundred dollars from them.” Energy Secretary Chris Wright is also preparing commemorative “I Did That Proudly” pump stickers, replacing the traditional system under which presidents claim no control over gas prices when they rise and complete personal responsibility when they fall.
White House economists said families spending $90 to fill a tank proves the economy is booming, because nobody can spend $90 without possessing $90, borrowing $90 or receiving a sufficiently patriotic overdraft notice. Officials added that higher fuel prices will strengthen American families by encouraging them to consolidate errands, cancel vacations and choose which child’s soccer practice contributes least to gross domestic product. The administration dismissed public anger as premature gratitude and predicted voters will recognize the achievement once gasoline becomes too valuable to burn and is reserved for investment portfolios, anniversary gifts and carefully guarded lawn-mower emergencies. America has therefore secured energy independence by making energy unaffordable.
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