Republican Government Prices Itself Out of Market

Voters canceled their Republican government subscription Tuesday after President Donald Trump’s tariff-fueled inflation program made food, fuel and household goods too premium for ordinary use. Democrats captured both chambers of Congress and won key gubernatorial races as Americans repeatedly mistook higher prices for an increased cost of living. Exit polls found roughly nine in 10 voters considered affordability a major concern, revealing widespread resistance to the patriotic discipline of paying more for the same cereal.

Trump declared the Republican rout a decisive validation of his economic strategy, which promised to reduce inflation by adding import taxes at nearly every available entrance. “The prices are high because America is high-quality now, very exclusive, like a beautiful hotel minibar, and people should thank me whenever they cannot afford eggs,” Trump said. Administration officials clarified that tariffs were never intended to make products cheaper, despite repeated statements describing them as a path to lower costs. The policy instead encourages Americans to form deeper emotional bonds with refrigerators, shoes and canned beans purchased during less prestigious economic periods.

Republican leaders celebrated losing Congress as a government-efficiency achievement that eliminated hundreds of taxpayer-funded Republican positions without requiring a single hearing. House Speaker Mike Johnson’s decision not to seek another term as Republican leader was presented as “downsizing with dignity,” although dignity will carry a 35 percent import duty until domestic manufacturers can produce enough of it. White House aides said voters had confused unaffordability with economic failure and announced plans to rename inflation “prosperity density.” Educational pamphlets will explain that an empty shopping cart is not evidence of financial distress but a lightweight vessel overflowing with freedom. By making Republican government more expensive than voters could tolerate, Trump has permanently defeated inflation.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.