Trump Rescues Women’s Health From Women And Doctors

President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday creating a Women’s Health Division within the National Institutes of Health, formally ending female biology’s dangerous dependence on women, physicians and peer-reviewed medicine. The division, scheduled to take shape within 90 days, will coordinate research across every stage of a woman’s life, from “too young to understand policy” through “too old to be consulted.” Administration officials said the overhaul would replace the fragmented system in which patients described symptoms and doctors investigated them with a streamlined model in which political appointees announce what women are experiencing.

A White House task force co-chaired by Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and chief of staff Susie Wiles will supervise the effort, providing the preferred scientific balance of one woman and one Kennedy with internet access. “For years, women’s health was run by specialists who knew too much, used very long words and kept finding problems,” Trump said. “We’re replacing all of that with tremendous confidence. We will explain women to women, and they’re going to be very grateful once they understand.” Kennedy is expected to supply medical rigor by examining whether each condition can be traced to seed oils, fluorescent lighting or a vaccine received by somebody three counties away.

First lady Melania Trump, who promoted the initiative, identified priorities including research into conditions affecting women, faster treatments, lower costs and greater use of artificial intelligence to interpret female biology. The technology represents a major modernization of federal care: Instead of dismissing women’s symptoms individually, the government will be able to train computers to dismiss them simultaneously and with consistent formatting. Officials said researchers and patients would retain a seat at the table, though the seat will be decorative and the table will continue making all final decisions. Women’s health is now safest where it has always belonged: beyond the reach of women and medicine.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.