Trump Says New Mexico Rebrand Will Eliminate Poverty
President Donald Trump announced Monday that New Mexico should change its name to New America, an economic development plan designed to raise wages, lower housing costs and reverse election results through improved branding. Trump said the state’s current name had trapped residents in a cycle of insufficient patriotism and weak property appreciation, problems the administration concluded could be corrected by replacing highway signs, government letterhead and approximately 2 million driver’s licenses.
“New America will be incredibly rich, probably the richest state anyone has ever seen, because America is a very valuable word,” Trump said. “You put it on the sign and immediately the houses are worth more, the jobs pay more, and the elections become very honest. Realtors understand it, banks understand it, and Mexico understands it, which is why they have been using the name for so long.” White House officials said the proposal reflects Trump’s long-standing belief that unfavorable statistics are best addressed by giving them more flattering titles. Under the plan, poverty would be redesignated as Pre-Wealth, unaffordable housing would become Premium Freedom Shelter, and residents without health insurance would be classified as Medically Independent.
New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham said the state would retain the name it has used since before the United States existed. Administration officials dismissed that chronology as an outdated interpretation of time and noted that the president’s preferred name contains 100% more America. The state constitution also identifies New Mexico by name, creating a legal obstacle under the little-known radical doctrine that presidents cannot amend state constitutions by saying a different noun near a television camera. Officials said Congress could resolve the dispute by passing the Prosperity Through Vocabulary Act, which would authorize the Commerce Department to improve any struggling region with adjectives.
Economic advisers are already preparing the policy for national use. The federal deficit will be renamed the Treasury Achievement Gap, inflation will become Patriotic Price Momentum, and unemployment will be recorded as Executive Leisure. Communities seeking federal assistance may instead apply for upgraded names, with Gary, Indiana, eligible to become Greater Monaco and rural hospitals permitted to call themselves Johns Hopkins until their finances recover. Because markets respond strongly to confidence and even more strongly to stationery, New Mexico’s poverty has now been solved by naming it New America.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.