Early Voting Triggers Premature Democracy Crisis

Voters triggered a dangerous outbreak of premature democracy in Virginia, Minnesota and South Dakota by casting ballots weeks before Americans were scheduled to begin caring about the November elections. Election officials confirmed that ordinary citizens had started choosing candidates before campaigns completed their essential democratic preparations, including mailing photographs of opponents beside flames, inventing nicknames suitable for playground detention and proving that each municipal zoning dispute is the opening phase of a communist takeover.

Donald Trump warned that early voting deprives candidates of the sacred constitutional right to spend October producing increasingly elaborate allegations. “We have Election Day for a reason, one beautiful day, and people should not vote before they hear every attack, every scandal and every scandal we may still need to create,” Trump said. “It is very unfair when voters make a decision using information that already exists instead of waiting for the much better information politicians plan to invent.” Republican officials added that allowing citizens to vote over several weeks could prevent a traditional Election Day emergency involving long lines, closed polling places and an urgent lawsuit demanding that counting stop at the precise moment their candidate moves ahead.

The crisis intensified as courts allowed states to continue using mail-ballot procedures that have operated for years without presidential authorization, partisan handwriting analysis or a mandatory declaration of affection for the winning candidate. Election experts cautioned that early voters could miss crucial late-breaking developments, including selectively edited videos, investigations announced minutes before airtime and candidates abruptly discovering that groceries cost money. Citizens voting early may also escape the final wave of television advertisements in which ominous music establishes that a candidate once occupied the same county as a criminal.

Election administrators claimed early voting reduces lines, expands access and lets citizens participate on schedules compatible with work, childcare and basic human metabolism. Critics said those alleged benefits merely permit Americans to vote conveniently, securely and without first spending nine hours absorbing cable-news panic. Officials urged the public to report any neighbor seen calmly entering a polling place, presenting the required identification and participating in representative government without waiting for a campaign consultant to frighten them. Democracy is therefore safest when voters have the least time, the fewest options and the maximum possible exposure to political advertising.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.