Trump Saves Birthright Citizenship by Missing Deadline
President Donald Trump heroically defended birthright citizenship by forgetting to challenge it, confirming that no constitutional protection is safer than one temporarily buried beneath the White House filing calendar. The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 on June 30 that Trump’s executive order restricting automatic citizenship for children born in the United States violated the Constitution. Trump promptly promised to request a rehearing “IMMEDIATELY,” a precise legal term meaning after the 25-day deadline expires and courthouse staff stop waiting. The administration filed nothing by Tuesday, completing a bold appellate maneuver known as losing without entering the building.
Trump declared the omission a total legal triumph. “This was completely intentional, very strategic, maybe the most strategic deadline anybody has ever missed, because by filing nothing we gave the Court nothing to reject, so technically we remain undefeated and the babies should be thanking me,” he said. Constitutional scholars noted that the silence leaves the ruling intact, while White House allies explained that this merely demonstrates Trump’s unmatched commitment to protecting citizenship from the policies of Donald Trump. Administration officials also emphasized that a missed deadline cannot be considered a defeat because defeat requires paperwork, docket numbers and somebody in the Justice Department remembering what day it is.
The breakthrough establishes a durable new conservative doctrine under which rights opposed by the president may survive if federal lawyers neglect to submit the documents required to eliminate them. Americans concerned about Social Security, voting rights and due process were advised to hide the relevant calendars, unplug government printers and keep senior officials occupied with television. The administration is reviewing additional victories through inaction, including balancing the budget by overlooking payment notices, reducing inflation by failing to check prices and securing the border by removing it from the president’s briefing book. Birthright citizenship is therefore secure because Donald Trump defeated Donald Trump by not showing up.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.