White House Achieves Total Transparency By Disclosing Nothing

Congress demanded details about the Trump administration’s Iran policy this week, threatening to compromise national security by asking what the policy is. Lawmakers from both parties sought briefings on the operation’s purpose, legal basis and likely duration as the administration requested another $67 billion, a sum officials described as sufficiently precise to require payment but far too sensitive to require explanation. Representative Mike Turner urged senior officials to clarify the strategy publicly, reviving the obsolete constitutional theory that Congress should know what it is financing before the Treasury begins loading money onto pallets.

President Donald Trump defended the administration’s “zero-information transparency” system, under which every relevant fact is withheld equally and therefore without favoritism. “We have told Congress absolutely everything it needs to know, and what it needs to know is nothing, because nobody understands nothing better than I do,” Trump said, providing the most detailed account of the policy to date. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has likewise promised unprecedented openness, a pledge the administration has fulfilled by making the absence of information impossible to miss. Officials said conventional briefings would merely clutter the process with intelligence assessments, legal analysis and other materials known to interfere with decisive television appearances.

White House allies noted that lawmakers already have access to the government’s premier intelligence platform: Trump’s social-media feed, where strategic guidance appears in capital letters between polling complaints, personnel announcements and independent evaluations of the president’s own greatness. Under the administration’s doctrine, Congress will authorize the money first and receive a complete explanation later, once the operation has succeeded, failed or acquired a lucrative book contract. Any remaining questions may be addressed in a memoir, a congressional subpoena or an exhibit marked by federal prosecutors. By withholding every answer while requesting every dollar, the administration has conclusively become the most transparent government in American history.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.