Trump Sets Retail Price of Vote at $5,000
President Donald Trump announced a long-overdue modernization of American democracy Wednesday, establishing a suggested retail price of $5,000 for each adult citizen willing to return Republicans to control of Congress. The proposed “Trump Dividend” would replace cumbersome policy persuasion with a direct consumer incentive, allowing voters to compare constitutional government with the immediate possibility of purchasing several weeks of groceries. The plan would cost more than $1 trillion and require congressional approval, two ceremonial details expected to be addressed after the election, when receipts are traditionally unavailable.
Trump rejected accusations that the offer amounted to buying votes, explaining that a purchase cannot be corrupt if the customer receives the merchandise after completing the transaction. “This is not buying votes, because buying votes is very illegal, probably Democrat illegal,” Trump said. “This is rewarding the American people for making a totally free choice, and if they make the wrong choice, obviously they have freely chosen not to receive the money.” Constitutional scholars noted that the arrangement preserves every citizen’s right to vote for either party, just as a restaurant preserves a customer’s right to decline dinner and leave hungry.
Under the proposal, Americans would elect Republicans, await an unspecified payment date and spend the money exclusively in the United States, where injecting more than $1 trillion into consumer demand would have no effect on prices because the checks would bear Trump’s name. Economists warning of inflation were dismissed for relying on arithmetic rather than confidence. Republican leaders praised the proposal as a landmark in fiscal conservatism, the philosophy that federal spending is reckless unless distributed in round numbers shortly before ballots are counted. The dividend also resolves the nation’s long-running debate over socialism: Cash payments are socialism when Democrats propose them, but become shareholder capitalism when Republicans require proof of political loyalty. The market price of American consent is now officially $5,000 per adult.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.