Trump Saves Children From Convenient Disease Prevention
President Donald Trump rescued American children from the cruel efficiency of modern medicine by ordering childhood vaccines distributed across more appointments, fewer recommendations and enough scheduling conflicts to give every preventable disease a competitive opening. Trump’s August 10 executive order calls for separating the measles, mumps and rubella vaccine into three shots and administering childhood immunizations at different visits whenever possible. The administration also wants the routine schedule reduced from protection against 18 diseases to 11, ending the long national nightmare of children receiving too much health care in one convenient location.
“We had babies getting three protections in one shot, which is a terrible deal, maybe the worst bundle ever negotiated,” Trump said. “Now measles gets a visit, mumps gets a visit, rubella gets a beautiful visit, and parents get the freedom to miss work three separate times.” Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. praised the overhaul as a breakthrough for families who have long demanded that pediatric care resemble renewing a driver’s license: repetitive, confusing and best completed only after several failed attempts. Administration officials said the additional visits would allow parents to spend more quality time in traffic, parking garages and waiting rooms while reconsidering whether they could afford another copay.
The policy is also expected to stimulate the economy through unpaid leave, appointment fees, parking charges and premium American hospital care for children who never make it back for later doses. Sen. Bill Cassidy, a physician, objected that splitting vaccines could reduce completion rates and leave children less protected. Officials dismissed the criticism as elitist medical jargon from a man encumbered by clinical training. States retain authority over school vaccination requirements, but Trump urged governors to embrace the new gold standard of fewer protections, more errands and broader opportunities for infection. Under the administration’s plan, children are safest when vaccination is sufficiently inconvenient to remain unfinished.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.