Trump Resolves North American Trade During World Cup Small Talk
President Donald Trump resolved North America’s remaining trade disputes Sunday by discussing the USMCA for several minutes with Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum and Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney during the World Cup final at MetLife Stadium. The breakthrough confirmed that formal diplomacy is merely luxury-box small talk burdened by note-taking. Sheinbaum said the leaders had only “a few moments” to address the pact, which administration officials deemed ample time because three nations’ manufacturing policies become easier once nobody can hear over 80,000 soccer fans.
“We had an unbelievable trade meeting, maybe the greatest trade meeting ever conducted within hearing distance of a penalty area,” Trump said. “Claudia wants automobiles, Mark wants Canada to continue existing, and I want America to win every transaction by at least six goals, which is a very fair trade policy.” Officials said the statement settled disputes involving automobiles, steel, aluminum, agriculture, labor and economic security, although Carney briefly appeared to believe the president was describing the match.
Washington’s decision not to renew the pact for another 16 years had been expected to trigger annual reviews and extended negotiations. Those procedures have now been replaced with soccer signals developed by the White House. A yellow card means tariffs, a red card means larger tariffs, and the advantage signal means the United States has imposed tariffs but would prefer that consumers call them freedom coupons. An own goal indicates that Americans paid the tariff, a technical outcome the administration has prohibited statisticians from recording.
Sheinbaum also spoke with Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer and Secretary of State Marco Rubio, completing what officials described as the first trilateral negotiation conducted entirely through handshakes, stadium food and remarks beginning with “while I have you.” The White House declared the summit a historic success after confirming that Mexico remains south of the United States, Canada remains north and all three governments avoided identifying who pays tariffs. North American trade is therefore settled.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.