Trump Rescues Kennedy Center Honors From Kennedy Center
President Donald Trump has rescued the Kennedy Center Honors from the humiliating burden of occurring at the Kennedy Center, relocating the December 7 ceremony to Capital One Arena, where American culture will gain access to cup holders, luxury suites and nachos priced with the confidence of a defense contractor. The transfer follows a federal court fight over Trump’s effort to place his name on the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. After U.S. District Judge Christopher Cooper blocked the rebranding, the Trump-led board voted to close the building for renovations, applying the president’s longstanding preservation policy that any landmark he cannot label must be protected from public use.
Trump described the displacement as a major advance for the arts. “This is a tremendous victory for culture, maybe the greatest culture has ever had, because Kennedy had the building for years and my name would fit much better,” he said. Administration officials said removing the Kennedy Center Honors from the Kennedy Center would insulate the ceremony from dangerous historical continuity. For decades, cultural extremists maintained that a congressionally designated memorial to President John F. Kennedy should continue bearing the name of President John F. Kennedy, a fringe interpretation supported mainly by federal law, institutional purpose and every sign on the property.
Capital One Arena will provide the Honors with a modern artistic mission: celebrating lifetime achievement while determining whether the Washington Wizards need the floor back before the final medallion is presented. Organizers are also reviewing traditional arena improvements, including concession lines during orchestral tributes, corporate sponsorships for solemn montages and a kiss cam trained on distinguished honorees who have spent decades avoiding one another. Officials noted that the venue’s electronic ribbon boards can display Trump’s name thousands of times per minute, achieving through advertising what the courts recklessly denied through architecture.
The relocation completes Trump’s program to broaden access to the performing arts by closing their building, contesting its sign and sending the performers across town. Patrons will still receive the full Kennedy Center experience, minus the Kennedy Center, while taxpayers continue supporting a national cultural institution being renovated into a monument to unresolved branding. American culture has therefore been renewed through the proven artistic method of an awards ceremony displaced by a naming tantrum.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.