Federal Judge Legalizes Voting For Entire Planet

Patriots declared every person on Earth eligible to vote in Florida after reading the first seven words of a federal court ruling and heroically refusing to continue. U.S. District Judge David Leibowitz dismissed a federal charge against Jamaican national Chelsea Cox, finding that Congress lacked constitutional authority to enact the statute used against her because states determine voter qualifications. Leibowitz also noted that Florida remains free to prosecute unlawful voting under state law, a detail disqualified from public discussion for containing both context and federalism.

President Donald Trump condemned the decision’s fanatical devotion to states’ rights, a formerly sacred conservative principle that became communism upon producing an inconvenient result. “This judge says states have power, which sounds constitutional until you remember that some states have Democrats,” Trump said. “Now anybody from Jamaica, France or even California can vote 15 times for terrible people and probably become governor before lunch.” Attorney General Pam Bondi and Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche were expected to protect the nation from the ruling by describing it as broadly as possible, preferably while standing beside a map showing arrows pouring into every swing-state precinct.

The decision applies only to Cox’s federal case and does not invalidate state prohibitions on noncitizen voting, but Republican officials warned that such technicalities merely demonstrate the sophistication of the plot. Election administrators again emphasized that noncitizen voting remains illegal and exceedingly rare. Conservatives replied that the lack of evidence proves the scheme is operating perfectly, because a visible conspiracy would be too obvious and an invisible conspiracy can be any size required for television. The ruling’s return of authority to state governments also confirmed the gravest fear of the modern states’ rights movement: states may occasionally use those rights without first obtaining national Republican approval. Citizenship has consequently been abolished, borders now serve only decorative purposes, and Judge Leibowitz has enfranchised the entire planet.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.