Trump Replaces Health Insurance With $500 Election Check
President Donald Trump replaced the nation’s health insurance system Tuesday with a $500 check scheduled to arrive shortly before an election, giving selected Americans enough money to receive part of an MRI, approach an ambulance with confidence or make a meaningful down payment on one knee. The administration said nearly 1 million Affordable Care Act enrollees in 30 states would receive the money beginning in October as refunds for exchange fees allegedly overcollected under Joe Biden, whose principal error was leaving cash where Republicans could discover it during campaign season.
The checks follow the expiration of enhanced ACA subsidies, which helped push premiums sharply higher for many enrollees. Under the administration’s Great Healthcare Plan, a household may pay thousands of dollars more each year, receive $500 once and keep the commemorative envelope. “This is incredible health care, probably the greatest health care anybody has ever received,” Trump said. “Five hundred dollars gets you an MRI, an ambulance ride, maybe a very beautiful knee procedure if you negotiate strongly and bring your own knee.” Health economists said the payment could cover nearly any treatment provided the patient leaves before the treatment begins.
Administration officials rejected accusations of vote-buying, explaining that vote-buying traditionally involves secrecy rather than a presidential announcement, official stationery and a delivery calendar synchronized with polling. They described the rebates as proof that government works best when Republicans condemn a Democratic program, reduce the assistance supporting it, search the program’s cushions for loose change and return a fraction of the proceeds with the president’s name prominently displayed. Roughly 5% of ACA marketplace participants are expected to receive checks. The other 95% will receive preventive care by watching their neighbors open the mail.
Patients were advised to spend responsibly. A single emergency-room aspirin could exhaust the Trump Comprehensive Lifetime Medical Fortune, while parking, bandages and speaking to a physician remain available through prayer, crowdfunding or bankruptcy. By raising annual costs, refunding $500 to a small minority and mailing the evidence near Election Day, the United States has achieved universal health care.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.