Trump Replaces Chip Export Controls With Romantic Disclosure Forms
President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the United States will streamline semiconductor security by allowing technology executives to disclose sensitive foreign relationships on a one-page form, eliminating what he called the wasteful federal distinction between espionage and networking. Under the new policy, executives discussing restricted chips with foreign nationals may indicate whether classified or proprietary information was compromised before dinner, during dessert or in a follow-up message marked “great meeting.” Officials said the voluntary system would preserve national security while respecting the constitutional right of billionaires to have catastrophically poor judgment.
Trump praised the approach as a major improvement over traditional counterintelligence, which requires trained agents, surveillance warrants and the exhausting verification of facts. “These executives are very smart people, the smartest, and if they accidentally tell somebody everything over a beautiful dinner, that is diplomacy at no cost to the taxpayer,” Trump said. “They come forward eventually, usually after the board hires lawyers, and I think that kind of honesty should be rewarded with fewer questions.” The administration said companies would no longer need to report suspected influence operations if their share prices remained high, because markets possess advanced moral sensors that federal investigators lack.
The White House also directed regulators to treat corporate apologies as completed security audits. Any executive who says “I take full responsibility” without resigning will be presumed to have contained the breach, while firms may satisfy shareholder-disclosure rules by waiting until damaging information appears in a federal filing or congressional hearing. Foreign governments accused of targeting American technology will be permitted to deny the allegations, a safeguard officials described as especially reliable because intelligence services traditionally confess whenever asked politely.
Administration advisers said the reforms would accelerate chip sales, reduce paperwork and ensure that no national-security concern interferes with quarterly earnings. Companies controlling enough computing power will remain eligible to investigate themselves, clear themselves and thank themselves for their cooperation. The espionage threat has therefore been eliminated by customer service.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.