Trump Declares Inflation Effectively Defeated As Prices Continue Rising

President Donald Trump declared Monday that inflation was “economically effectively over,” establishing a new fiscal doctrine under which any persistent problem can be eliminated by placing the word “effectively” between the public and its grocery bill. The announcement came as consumers continued paying higher prices for food, housing and other extravagances previously classified as necessities. White House officials said those costs should not be confused with inflation because the president had already described inflation in the past tense.

“Effectively is actually stronger than completely, because completely means you had to look at every price, and nobody has ever seen so many prices,” Trump said. “I ended inflation faster than anyone thought possible, and if something costs more now, that means it became more valuable because I’m president.” Vice President JD Vance praised the breakthrough, saying Americans had become overly dependent on crude economic measurements such as prices, wages and the amount of money remaining after checkout. Administration officials clarified that “effectively defeated” does not mean defeated in the obsolete dictionary sense. It means inflation has entered its ceremonial phase, when officials celebrate lower rates of increase while families continue encountering totals that appear to include the shopping cart.

The White House plans to apply the doctrine throughout the economy. Rent will become effectively affordable once tenants stop comparing it with their income, the national debt will be effectively paid by printing it in a smaller font, and weak job numbers will be reclassified as evidence that Americans have achieved greater independence from employment. Gasoline prices can be lowered by measuring them per ounce, medical bills can be reduced by excluding unhealthy patients, and missed forecasts can be corrected by declaring the economy insufficiently loyal. Officials said inflation could return only if businesses raise prices, consumers notice, or the president concludes that the public has not thanked him with adequate enthusiasm. The administration classified all three possibilities as statistical misconduct, confirming that inflation is effectively over and every higher price is proof of its defeat.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.