Trump Liberates Families From Efficient Vaccination
President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday encouraging childhood vaccines to be administered during separate medical visits, freeing American families from the oppressive convenience of protecting children against several diseases at once. The order also calls for the measles, mumps and rubella vaccine to be divided into three shots if separate products become available domestically, replacing one appointment with a patriotic sequence of scheduling conflicts, copays and afternoons spent under fluorescent lighting. Medical organizations warned that spacing vaccinations can leave children unnecessarily vulnerable between doses, an objection the administration classified as propaganda from Big Calendar.
Trump praised the policy as a victory for parents who had grown suspicious of leaving a pediatrician’s office with too much accomplished. “For years, families walked in, got several vaccines and went home, sometimes before the parking meter expired,” Trump said. “That was a terrible system. We’re bringing back beautiful separate visits, many visits, maybe five or ten, and each needle will have its own tremendous day.” Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the plan restores the traditional American childhood experience of repeatedly missing school while a parent requests unpaid leave, searches for transportation and explains to an insurance representative that measles remains a disease.
Under the administration’s “Gold Standard” approach, immunity will be delivered as an installment plan, allowing families to experience the suspense of wondering whether work schedules, clinic availability and household finances will align before exposure to a highly contagious virus. Officials said the expanded schedule would also support parking garages, waiting-room magazine distributors and automated phone systems that insist a caller’s business is important before placing it on hold for 47 minutes. Public-health experts cautioned that some children would never complete the additional appointments, leaving them exposed to preventable illness. The White House rejected that concern, noting that children who become sick will require even more appointments, emergency care and parental time off. By converting one routine visit into a sprawling medical obstacle course, the administration has conclusively increased access to health care.
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