Trump Liberates 23,000 Americans From Paychecks
President Donald Trump celebrated a new stage of American prosperity Friday after the Labor Department reported that the economy added just 23,000 jobs in July, freeing hundreds of thousands of citizens from commutes, supervisors and the recurring administrative burden of being paid. Economists had expected nearly 100,000 jobs, having failed to account for the administration’s plan to measure growth by the amount of work Americans no longer perform. The unemployment rate fell to 4.1% after 264,000 people stopped working or looking for work, confirming that unemployment disappears when job seekers are persuaded to leave the statistical premises.
“We didn’t lose jobs, we removed some very bad jobs, probably the worst jobs anyone has ever seen,” Trump said. “These Americans now have complete freedom from bosses, schedules, paychecks and income taxes, and they should thank me for giving them so much beautiful free time.” White House officials described the labor-force contraction as a breakthrough in economic accounting, noting that a person without a job is unemployed only until that person gives up. Under the administration’s model, full employment can therefore be achieved without the expense of employing everyone.
Local public schools eliminated 50,000 positions, protecting children from excessive contact with teachers, counselors and functioning institutions. Restaurants and bars cut 26,000 jobs, while retailers shed 19,000, giving customers more time to reflect quietly in unattended checkout lines. Construction added 22,000 positions and factories gained 5,000, figures large enough to support an industrial renaissance as long as the government publishes them separately from the losses. Officials said the remaining workers could absorb the additional duties through patriotism, unpaid overtime and a renewed commitment to pretending understaffing is efficiency.
Revisions also erased 103,000 jobs previously reported for May and June, allowing the administration to improve the past by correcting it downward. Economic advisers said future reports may classify discouraged workers as independently retired, involuntarily self-employed or participants in the president’s National Leisure Reserve. The August target is to push unemployment below zero by defining the desire for a job as disloyal pessimism. America’s economy is now strongest wherever Americans no longer participate in it.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.