Appeals Court Abolishes Constitutional Right To Ballroom
A federal appeals court ruled Friday that President Donald Trump cannot continue building a $400 million, 90,000-square-foot White House ballroom without congressional approval, effectively abolishing America’s constitutional right to dance beneath privately donated chandeliers. The divided D.C. Circuit upheld a preliminary injunction sought by the National Trust for Historic Preservation, which maintains that the White House belongs to the public simply because taxpayers maintain it, presidents occupy it temporarily and federal law has not yet reclassified it as a Trump-branded event venue.
The ballroom, planned for the site of the East Wing, was intended to close the nation’s strategic waltzing deficit and ensure that visiting dignitaries never mistake modest ceiling height for weakness. Judges nevertheless cited the radical doctrine that Congress controls federal spending and may have some role in major alterations to the people’s house. “This ballroom is national security, maybe the biggest national security anybody has ever seen,” Trump said. “Without it, foreign leaders will know America cannot seat 1,000 people for dinner, and then frankly they will do whatever they want to us.”
The court stayed its mandate for 14 days, giving Trump time to appeal before the United States is permanently reduced to hosting state dinners in rooms built for merely human gatherings. Administration officials warned that the injunction could create a catastrophic ballroom gap with China, whose leaders may now conclude that Washington lacks adequate gilding, sufficient dance-floor projection and the executive resolve to install chandeliers without filling out the customary democracy paperwork.
The National Trust called the decision a victory for congressional oversight and historic preservation, sinister euphemisms for requiring a president to ask permission before converting federal architecture into something suitable for a casino wedding. Construction must now stop, leaving the republic exposed to cramped receptions, insufficiently magnificent ceilings and the humiliating possibility that Congress technically exists. By requiring constitutional approval for a ballroom, the appellate court has abolished the American right to dance.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.