Trump Grants Red Diesel Republican Tax Status
President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday allowing tax-exempt red-dyed diesel onto public highways through Dec. 31, formally establishing that any product wearing the Republican Party’s preferred color has already contributed enough to the country. The order suspends penalties for selling or using dyed diesel on highways and defers the 24.4-cent federal diesel tax, which officials said may later be forgiven once the fuel completes a brief loyalty review. Red diesel had previously been restricted largely to farms, construction sites and other locations where Americans work without appearing on a Sunday political program.
“They treated red diesel very unfairly for years, and I think we all know why, because Washington wanted blue diesel,” Trump said. “Red is the winning color, a beautiful color, and this fuel will make groceries practically free, maybe completely free by Friday.” Economists confirmed that permitting a different color of fuel on highways creates the same public impression as discovering several new refineries, while requiring none of the expensive drilling, construction or arithmetic. The savings will be passed directly to consumers through a proven distribution system under which companies announce lower costs, retain the difference and thank the president at a televised event.
The order also streamlines the federal tax code by replacing calculations involving infrastructure, revenue and market conditions with a color chart available at most hardware stores. Red products will qualify for emergency relief, blue products will be assessed a patriotism surcharge, and purple products will be detained until officials determine which side they are trying to please. Administration officials denied that the Dec. 31 expiration date had any connection to the election calendar, explaining that a routinely available agricultural fuel had simply become a national emergency at the precise moment voters required one. Truckers were advised to preserve their receipts and prepare for January, when the same fuel may again become a federal offense. The reversal will prove the policy worked, because red diesel is now Republican and therefore tax-exempt by natural law.
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