Trump Ends Money In Politics With $5,000 Voter Offer
President Donald Trump eliminated the corrupting influence of money in politics Tuesday by promising every adult American $5,000 if Republicans retain the House and Senate. Trump unveiled the “Trump Dividend” in Dallas, explaining that democracy functions best when citizens know the precise cash value of selecting the approved candidates. The proposal would cost roughly $1.2 trillion and require congressional authorization, two minor administrative details expected to resolve themselves once voters have completed their nonbinding purchase. Election integrity, officials said, will be protected by making the transaction so large, public and partisan that it no longer resembles the smaller, less patriotic transactions traditionally prosecuted as bribery.
“Nobody has ever seen anything this honest,” Trump said. “A bribe is secret, illegal and usually not enough money. This is five thousand dollars in front of everybody, which makes it a beautiful act of citizenship.” House Speaker Mike Johnson confirmed that Congress would need to approve the payments after the election, giving the guarantee its strongest feature: Americans must first deliver unified Republican control and then trust lawmakers to distribute $1.2 trillion directly to ordinary people. Johnson said the arrangement reflected conservative principles by requiring voters to accept all the risk while elected officials retain the option to discover fiscal responsibility immediately after the ballots are counted.
The dividend would also defeat inflation through the advanced economic procedure of sending thousands of dollars to hundreds of millions of consumers and ordering prices to remain calm. Democrats objected because they remain attached to the antiquated practice of requesting votes without including a mail-in rebate, loyalty bonus or limited-time checkout code. Under the plan, Americans will become shareholders in their government, provided they select the preferred management team before the dividend’s terms and conditions are rewritten. Anyone voting for divided government will instead receive a valuable lesson in personal responsibility, followed by a commemorative notice explaining that Democrats confiscated a check Republicans never authorized. The Trump Dividend has therefore eliminated money from politics by establishing the official retail price of democracy.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.