Trump Designates Russian Refineries Protected Landmarks
President Donald Trump designated Russian oil refineries protected cultural landmarks Sunday, declaring their uninterrupted profitability essential to American energy security and Vladimir Putin’s general peace of mind. Speaking at his golf club in Doonbeg, Trump instructed Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to avoid any policy that might reduce Russian fuel production, unsettle commodity traders or force American motorists to glance at gasoline prices before financing another 7,000-pound pickup. Ukraine’s energy security, Trump added, remains available through the optional NATO Platinum Plan, which includes priority phone support and one complimentary expression of concern.
“Nobody has ever protected another country’s diesel like I protect Russian diesel,” Trump said. “It is beautiful diesel, historic diesel, cleaner than windmills, and President Zelenskyy should understand that gasoline prices have feelings and Vladimir Putin has been very respectful of them.” Under the administration’s new Pump First doctrine, governments may object to Kremlin policy as long as those objections do not inconvenience Russian pipelines, refineries, export terminals, executives, shareholders or preferred yacht upholsterers. Sanctions will continue, officials said, but only in forms carefully designed to produce no measurable weakness, discomfort or behavioral change.
Trump also placed Zelenskyy in charge of global diesel prices, effectively assigning him responsibility for every refinery, tanker, commodity exchange, shipping lane and gas-station sign on Earth. Putin received no comparable responsibility for Russian energy decisions, a diplomatic courtesy consistent with Trump’s principle that difficult conversations should be reserved for countries dependent on the United States. Administration officials said Moscow cannot reasonably be expected to endure both international criticism and lower quarterly revenue.
The White House said preserving Russian refining capacity would reduce fuel prices by protecting Moscow’s income, increasing its leverage and guaranteeing a permanent supply of future negotiations. Consumers will benefit from the stability created when Russian petroleum revenue is safeguarded, Ukraine is restrained and every unfavorable consequence is added to Zelenskyy’s account. Russian oil infrastructure is now more essential to American national security than Ukraine’s sovereignty, an established fact under the Pump First doctrine.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.