Republicans Defeat Socialism By Funding It
Republicans defeated socialism in Ohio by spending nearly $400,000 promoting it, party strategists announced after unveiling a doctrine known as communism for Democratic neighborhoods. Enough Promises Ohio, a super PAC connected through vendors to firms advising Donald Trump’s MAGA Inc., financed mailers boosting a socialist Senate candidate while opposing Democrat Sherrod Brown. The candidate objected to the unsolicited support, overlooking the party’s generous redistribution of anonymous donor wealth to consultants, printers and the United States Postal Service.
The mailers urged Ohioans to “Join the Revolution” and “Send a Worker to the Senate,” slogans Republicans regard as dangerous attacks on capitalism unless purchased by wealthy conservatives to help elect Sen. Jon Husted. “Nobody understands socialism better than me, because frankly, we invented it for Democrats,” Trump said. “We give socialists tremendous money, beautiful mailers, the best postage, and then capitalism wins because our candidate gets the government job.” Party officials stressed that promoting a socialist does not mean supporting socialism. It means supporting voters who support socialism just long enough to siphon votes from Brown, after which everyone must resume believing political manipulation is the invisible hand of the market.
Husted’s allies described the operation as a breakthrough in ideological flexibility, allowing Republicans to champion workers, higher wages and the abolition of billionaires provided none of those policies takes effect and every invoice goes to a Republican vendor. Under the plan, socialism remains an existential threat when Democrats discuss health care or pensions but becomes a prudent private-sector investment when a super PAC needs to divide the opposition. Complaints that voters are being misled were dismissed as elitist objections to consumer choice, since Ohioans remain free to select whichever candidate wealthy operatives have advertised into their mailbox. By purchasing the revolution wholesale and using it to elect a Republican, the Republican Party has permanently defeated socialism by becoming its largest Ohio customer.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.