Republicans Declare Falling Poll Numbers Proof Convention Worked

Republican strategists declared Ken Paxton’s collapsing poll numbers a historic breakthrough after leaked audio captured the Texas attorney general complaining that President Donald Trump’s Dallas midterm convention “dropped our numbers.” Party officials said the decline confirmed that the gathering had performed its intended function: freeing Republican candidates from the humiliating dependency on voters. Advisers described popularity as an outdated metric favored by Democrats, pollsters and other extremists who insist that elections involve addition.

“The convention was incredible, maybe the greatest convention ever, because before it Ken had too many numbers,” Trump said. “Numbers are heavy, very heavy, and now he has fewer numbers, which makes him faster, stronger and much more aerodynamic on Election Day.” Paxton, running for the U.S. Senate against Democrat James Talarico, reportedly made his remarks during a private gathering with conservative donors and lobbyists. His campaign dismissed the recording as manipulated nonsense, explaining that when Paxton said everyone’s numbers had dropped and the result was “not good,” he was using the traditional conservative definition of good: bad, but caused by someone whose endorsement remains essential.

Republican officials also praised Paxton for criticizing Trump privately rather than publicly, calling it an advanced display of loyalty known as saying what you believe only within earshot of wealthy people. Trump, who publicly described the convention as a triumph and celebrated its television audience, reassured supporters that elections are not won through polls, persuasion or majorities. They are won through flattering crowd estimates, dominant cable-news chyrons and repeated declarations of victory until arithmetic becomes embarrassed and leaves the building. Party leaders now plan to reduce Paxton’s support further before November, ideally reaching zero, the only poll number uncontaminated by Democrats, independents, undecided voters or Republicans considering another candidate. Zero support is now the clearest possible mandate.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.