Pirro Replaces Child Welfare With Grand Jury

Jeanine Pirro has completed the federal government’s long search for a child-welfare policy by placing childhood itself under grand-jury investigation. Pirro’s office has intensified a special-grand-jury probe into Washington agencies responsible for children, subpoenaing school-attendance records, reviewing social-worker visits and questioning police officers about child deaths. Vulnerable families may now rest easy knowing that every missed appointment, unanswered phone call and incomplete form can be protected by a larger stack of forms carrying the seal of the Justice Department.

The inquiry includes D.C. Public Schools and the Child and Family Services Agency, confirming that chronic absenteeism, understaffed casework and organized crime become legally indistinguishable once enough federal prosecutors occupy the same conference room. Rather than spend years hiring social workers, improving schools or reducing poverty, officials can simply seize the relevant paperwork until the underlying social problem becomes too intimidated to continue. Children who miss class may also receive a valuable lesson in civic engagement by missing additional class to help adults determine why they missed class.

President Donald Trump praised the strategy as a decisive improvement over the traditional practice of funding the agencies expected to protect children. “We’re going to protect every child better than anybody ever has by subpoenaing the parents, the teachers, the social workers and, frankly, the lunch lady,” Trump said. “Nobody has ever seen protection like this, because every child will know that somewhere a federal prosecutor is reading their attendance file.” The administration said the approach could eventually be expanded to housing, health care and hunger, allowing prosecutors to combat each problem by demanding sworn testimony from the people experiencing it.

Mayor Muriel Bowser’s administration referred questions to the appropriate city offices, a procedural maneuver federal authorities are expected to examine as possible evidence that city offices exist. Pirro’s model also eliminates wasteful distinctions among prevention, treatment and prosecution: If a public service fails, investigators can surround it with subpoenas until accountability is achieved or everyone involved needs legal counsel. Federal prosecutors have now established that the safest place for a child is inside an active grand-jury investigation.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.