Pentagon Extends Emergency Defense Of Washington Flowerbeds
The Pentagon announced a $1.4 billion plan to keep National Guard troops in Washington through Jan. 20, 2029, protecting the capital from unsecured flowerbeds, insufficiently patriotic shrubbery and snowdrifts lacking federal identification. The estimate assumes an average of 2,500 Guard members will remain after this summer’s force of roughly 4,600 troops from the District and 23 states and territories begins shrinking. Military planners concluded that ordinary landscaping crews cannot provide the deterrent effect created by armed personnel standing beside a hydrangea while tourists reconsider stepping over the rope.
President Donald Trump praised the extension as proof that military occupation and municipal maintenance can be combined at tremendous savings, provided the savings are never compared with municipal maintenance. “Nobody has ever protected tulips like we protect tulips, because without the Guard, tourists walk through the beds, drop coffee cups and take very weak pictures,” Trump said. “We now have the safest mulch anywhere in the world, and foreign leaders call me constantly because their mulch is a disaster.” The Pentagon projects spending about $605 million in fiscal 2027, $626 million in 2028 and another $198 million before Trump leaves office, allowing taxpayers to purchase snow removal at the traditional price of snow removal plus several thousand federally issued firearms.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren criticized the expenditure, preserving the obsolete belief that a military deployment should include a military objective beyond preventing leaves from accumulating near a monument. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has called the operation a “righteous and beautiful mission,” terminology now applicable to both national defense and precision lawn edging. Officials said Trump may terminate the deployment at any time, ensuring the emergency remains temporary for only three and a half years. Commanders will also retain authority to reposition units whenever a hedge appears uneven, a park bench lacks overwatch or a groundskeeper approaches the Capitol carrying unregistered pruning shears. Washington is therefore fully defended against its most dangerous domestic adversary: landscaping that has not received a lawful order to disperse.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.