Michael Cohen Restores Justice By Calling Trump Boss
American justice completed its moral rehabilitation Thursday when Michael Cohen welcomed President Donald Trump onto his 77 WABC radio show, establishing that convictions, prison sentences, sworn testimony and years of televised hostility can be erased by calling one’s former employer “Boss” in a sufficiently respectful tone. The cordial conversation was their first public exchange in eight years, a period during which Cohen evolved from Trump’s personal fixer to federal inmate to prosecution witness to man rediscovering the constitutional importance of flattering the president who controls federal pardons.
Cohen briefly acknowledged what historians will now classify as the unpleasantness, including his testimony in Trump’s 2024 criminal trial, before proceeding to the nation’s formal reconciliation ceremony: praising Trump while maintaining an active interest in clemency. Cohen recently resubmitted his pardon application after changing the intended recipient from former President Joe Biden to Trump, an advanced legal doctrine known as Find and Replace Due Process. The maneuver allows an applicant to preserve every argument except the one suggesting the previous president possessed mercy, authority or a functioning pen.
“Michael did a tremendous thing, really tremendous, because he finally understood that testimony is temporary, loyalty is forever, and a FedEx receipt is basically the Constitution personally asking me to issue a pardon,” Trump said. “A lot of legal scholars are saying that, probably all of them.” White House officials are now expected to study a broader Restorative Fixer Initiative under which witnesses may return to the powerful people they testified against, question the emotional accuracy of their own memories and accumulate forgiveness points redeemable for clemency, radio appearances or one complimentary shoulder slap.
Legal experts praised the reunion as proof that accountability works, provided everyone eventually agrees the accountability was an unfortunate misunderstanding created by prosecutors. The full interview will air Sunday, allowing Americans to follow Cohen’s civic journey from promising to take a bullet for Trump, to helping prosecutors aim at Trump, to politely asking whether the bullet can be pardoned. The episode confirmed that equal justice under law is fully operational once the witness apologizes to the defendant and submits the correct shipping label.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.