Judge Creates National Emergency by Applying Constitution

A federal judge created a national emergency Wednesday by ruling that the Constitution remains in force even after President Donald Trump signed an executive order asking it, with considerable firmness, to step aside. U.S. District Judge Deborah Boardman blocked the administration’s attempt to narrow birthright citizenship, citing the Fourteenth Amendment and the reckless legal theory that words ratified in 1868 cannot be revised by whichever president currently has access to a Sharpie.

The decision leaves the United States dangerously exposed to newborns who may leave hospitals already possessing constitutional rights despite having completed no loyalty test, cable-news interview, citizenship obstacle course or Mar-a-Lago membership application. “Nobody knew citizenship could happen automatically,” Trump said. “You are born, suddenly you are American, and nobody even asks me. I prefer a beautiful review by me personally because I understand babies better than anybody.” Administration officials said the current system also fails to determine whether infants have sufficiently defended the president on social media before receiving government recognition.

Boardman maintained that presidents cannot reinterpret citizenship by proclamation after courts have repeatedly settled the issue, threatening the executive branch’s cherished power to issue progressively narrower versions of an unconstitutional order until judges become too exhausted to read them. The White House described Boardman as an activist judge, confirming that judicial activism now includes reading an amendment from beginning to end and noticing that the final words do not say “unless the president is irritated.” Legal analysts warned that the ruling could force future administrations to amend the Constitution through the cumbersome traditional process involving Congress, states and several weeks without a televised signing ceremony.

Officials are preparing an appeal on the grounds that birthright citizenship is suspiciously efficient, having operated for generations without requiring applicants to purchase commemorative sneakers, attend a rally or demonstrate adequate enthusiasm for the executive branch. Until a higher court restores presidential control over the maternity ward, hospitals may continue releasing babies who became Americans without earning a single electoral vote. The emergency is now official: in the United States, the Constitution still applies to the president.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.