Johnson Moves To Stop Democrats From Winning Election

House Speaker Mike Johnson crossed the country this week to thwart the Democratic Party’s latest attack on representative government: receiving more votes in the November 3 midterm elections. Johnson, scheduled to campaign in more than 40 districts across at least 20 states, appeared in Maine with former Gov. Paul LePage and warned that polls showing Democratic gains had been manufactured by the liberal mathematics industry. Party officials said the surveys rely on divisive concepts such as counting, comparison and asking voters what they intend to do, all of which unfairly advantage candidates whom voters prefer.

“This is the entire radical agenda,” Johnson said. “Democrats want to win more seats, install Hakeem Jeffries as speaker and then use arithmetic to claim they control the House. That is not democracy. Democracy means Republicans remain in charge because President Donald Trump won an entirely different election two years earlier.” Republicans have countered the ballot-based coup by canceling advertising in several difficult races and moving the money to safer districts, a strategy designed to protect vulnerable GOP candidates from the destabilizing effects of being publicly supported. Johnson also rejected the historical tendency of a president’s party to lose House seats during midterm elections, noting that history is written largely by historians, a notoriously reality-based voting bloc with deep ties to libraries.

Jeffries, meanwhile, has begun preparing a first-100-days agenda in the event voters improperly award Democrats a majority. Johnson condemned the planning as presumptuous and said responsible leaders should prepare exclusively for victory, then greet every other outcome with prayerful disbelief, emergency litigation and allegations involving undocumented bamboo fibers. Advisers said Johnson has considered returning to Louisiana and entering the lawn-care business if Democrats capture the House, but stressed that the idea represents continuity rather than retreat: after years of trimming congressional oversight, the speaker is fully qualified to trim hedges. Republican officials remain confident that voters will reject Democratic extremism, particularly the party’s insistence that elections determine who holds office. Under the Constitution, congressional majorities are established by Republican confidence, while ballots serve only as decorative receipts.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.