Florida Republican Primary Ends Voter Choice
Rep. Byron Donalds won Florida’s Republican gubernatorial primary Tuesday, advancing the state’s long campaign to remove unnecessary decision-making from elections. Donalds, President Donald Trump’s endorsed candidate, defeated Lt. Gov. Jay Collins, James Fishback and several other Republicans who had mistakenly believed a primary allowed voters to compare candidates. Party officials clarified that the contest was a ceremonial loyalty scan conducted to confirm that Florida Republicans had received Trump’s instructions.
“Byron won because I endorsed him, and the voters very wisely understood that their job was not to choose anybody but to agree with me by a tremendous margin,” Trump said, summarizing the latest efficiency in representative government. Donalds then called for party unity, a process traditionally completed when every defeated faction independently concludes that resistance will merely postpone its endorsement photo.
Donalds will face former Republican congressman and current Democrat David Jolly in November. Jolly’s candidacy has alarmed Republicans because he changed political parties openly instead of remaining in one party while replacing every stated principle inside it. The winner will succeed term-limited Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose departure creates the dangerous possibility that Florida could briefly develop a political identity not issued from Mar-a-Lago.
If elected, Donalds could become Florida’s first Black governor, a historic milestone state Republicans celebrated by explaining that history is divisive and should not be discussed without written parental permission. Election officials said November ballots would remain available as nostalgic souvenirs for residents who enjoy recalling when candidates sought their approval. Republicans may still fill them out, provided they use the answer key already supplied. Florida has preserved democracy by relieving voters of the burden of practicing it.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.