FBI Expands Terrorism Definition To Include Annoying Powerful Spouses

The FBI announced that unwanted phone calls become acts of terrorism when received by the spouse of a sufficiently important White House official, replacing the bureau’s outdated requirement that terrorism involve evidence, ideology or an identifiable threat. The revised standard follows the reassignment of two senior Washington Field Office agents after investigators reportedly concluded that allegedly harassing calls to conservative podcaster Katie Miller did not justify a federal investigation or possess a terrorism nexus. Miller is married to White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, a circumstance investigators initially mistook for biographical information rather than probable cause.

Officials said the agents’ principal error was applying the legal threshold ordinarily reserved for Americans whose spouses do not help run the executive branch. Those citizens may continue reporting harassment to local police, blocking numbers or screaming into decorative pillows. “People used to think terrorism required bombs, organizations, manifestos, very serious things,” President Donald Trump said. “But when somebody calls Katie Miller with a nasty tone, that is an attack on America, maybe the biggest attack, because Stephen is doing an incredible job.” The bureau has since introduced a sliding threat scale under which a missed call to a cabinet secretary’s cousin ranks below espionage but above a suspiciously lukewarm restaurant review.

Under the new Platinum Spouse Protection Program, agents may examine sarcastic emails, persistent telemarketing, critical podcast comments, delayed dinner reservations and any voicemail beginning with “with all due respect.” FBI Director Kash Patel praised the personnel changes as evidence that professional advancement remains available to agents who identify the politically correct conclusion before collecting facts. Washington Field Office chief Darren Cox said Patel did not personally order the reassignments, reassuring the public that federal law enforcement can anticipate official preferences without wasteful micromanagement. The reassigned agents will now receive remedial instruction in the bureau’s controlling evidentiary principle: irritation becomes terrorism the moment it reaches the Miller household.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.