Emmer Warns Democrats Will Nationalize Toothbrushes

House Majority Whip Tom Emmer warned Sunday that American voters could soon lose private ownership of their toothbrushes if communists disguised as ordinary Democratic candidates are permitted to infiltrate the ballot. Appearing on ABC’s “This Week,” Emmer acknowledged to Jonathan Karl that expensive gasoline, groceries and health care were burdensome, but clarified that economic pain is the patriotic admission fee for preventing neighborhood librarians from collectivizing the cul-de-sac. Karl noted that most Democrats are not communists, prompting Emmer to explain that democratic socialists are Marxists, Marxists are communists, and anyone proposing cheaper insulin is already measuring the nation for one enormous pair of government-issued pants.

“You can call them democratic socialists, but once they are elected, every family will share one lawn mower, one Netflix password and a federally assigned casserole dish,” Emmer said. “That is how communism starts, right after prescription-drug negotiations and immediately before the government confiscates your good towels.” Republican officials praised Emmer for locating the crimson menace inside suspicious proposals involving funded public schools, affordable housing and medical care obtained without first establishing a long-term relationship with a debt collector. Voters were advised to inspect Democratic campaign literature for classic communist symbols, including union endorsements, reusable grocery bags and photographs of candidates standing near buses that run more than twice a day.

Karl attempted to distinguish democratic socialism from communism, but Republican strategists determined that making distinctions is itself collectivist because it distributes nuance among the population. They added that Democrats’ desire to tax wealthy people was indistinguishable from abolishing money, while Republican tax cuts preserved liberty by allowing billionaires to keep purchasing lawmakers through the traditional private-sector process. The party therefore urged voters to accept shrinking paychecks, unaffordable medicine and high fuel prices with gratitude, since hardship remains the strongest available evidence that no federal bureaucrat has assigned anyone a casserole dish. Americans who cannot afford to go anywhere are, by definition, free.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.