Dead Americans Back Trump Retirement Plan
Dead Americans have emerged as the most disciplined voting bloc behind President Donald Trump’s plan to steer 401(k) savings toward private equity, cryptocurrency and other investments designed for workers who find ordinary market risk insufficiently theatrical. An investigation identified nearly 12,000 supportive comments submitted to the Labor Department using identical language and scant personal information, including filings under the names of people who had already died. The administration interpreted the paperwork as a decisive posthumous mandate from retirees who no longer fear recessions, medical bills or running out of money.
More than 30,000 comments opposed the proposal, but those came largely from living Americans compromised by mortgages, grocery prices and the unsophisticated expectation that retirement accounts should contain retirement money. Their objections were outweighed by the serene judgment of citizens whose exposure to market volatility is permanently zero. “Nobody understands retirement better than people who have finished it completely,” Trump said. “They never complain about fees, they never panic when crypto crashes, and they are much more loyal than living investors.”
The Labor Department proposal would give retirement-plan fiduciaries additional protection when considering alternative assets, extending to ordinary workers financial products once reserved for investors wealthy enough to lose several million dollars without postponing lunch. Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer described the approach as expanding retirement opportunity, while officials explained that workers could soon enjoy the same sophisticated investments as billionaires, minus the accountants, bargaining power, liquidity and backup billions. Americans still planning to be alive when they retire remain disproportionately skeptical, confirming that the dead are the nation’s most trusted experts on long-term financial security.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.