Trump Ends Iran Crisis With Adverb

President Donald Trump declared Monday that the Iran crisis was “militarily, effectively over,” establishing a White House doctrine under which unresolved global conflicts may be completed by inserting a sufficiently confident adverb. Trump issued the finding after meeting Qatari Prime Minister Sheikh Mohammed bin Abdulrahman Al Thani, while negotiations remained unfinished, major disagreements persisted and officials continued discussing what might happen next. Those details, the president explained, belonged to the outdated school of foreign policy in which events had to end before leaders announced they were over.

“It’s over, very over, effectively the most over anything has ever been, even though certain things are still happening and nothing has technically been signed,” Trump said. “That’s what effectively means. I get credit now, and reality can catch up later.” Administration officials hailed the breakthrough as a major reduction in the paperwork traditionally required for peace, including agreements, verification, compliance and participation by the countries allegedly at peace. Under the new standard, victory requires only a microphone, several superlatives and enough repetition to make follow-up questions seem disloyal.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio will reportedly expand the doctrine across the federal government. Inflation can now be declared “financially effectively gone,” the deficit “mathematically effectively balanced,” and delayed infrastructure projects “ceremonially effectively completed” once officials stand near a ribbon. White House aides cautioned Americans not to confuse effective completion with actual completion. Actual completion depends on measurable outcomes, while effective completion depends on whether Trump has moved on to another subject. Any renewed hostilities will be classified as a separate crisis caused by different people, preserving Monday’s victory from contamination by subsequent reality. The Iran crisis is therefore effectively over, which the administration has confirmed is now the only kind of over that counts.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.