Trump Redistricting Triumph Elects More Democrats
President Donald Trump secured a decisive redistricting victory Tuesday by helping Republicans lose districts they had personally redesigned to prevent Republicans from losing. At Trump’s urging, GOP lawmakers in eight states rearranged dozens of House seats, sorting voters into increasingly decorative shapes intended to guarantee the correct result. Democrats nevertheless won or led in 12 of 15 Republican-targeted districts, confirming that many Americans had changed their political affiliation without first consulting the mapmakers assigned to manage it.
Texas Republicans captured one of five Democratic seats they targeted while Democrats flipped two GOP seats, a favorable exchange under the party’s new accounting system, which records every unexpected defeat as evidence of hidden strength. California Democrats swept all five Republican districts targeted by a retaliatory map, proving that partisan redistricting becomes unconstitutional when the other party remembers how to do it. Republican officials said the discrepancy reflected an administrative failure by voters, who continued making independent choices despite receiving clear geographic instructions about which party their neighborhoods supported.
“This was an unbelievable success, maybe the greatest redistricting success ever, because nobody has ever drawn so many beautiful Republican districts that elected so many Democrats,” Trump said. “We wanted to prove that the voters were the problem, and they proved it very strongly, in numbers nobody thought possible.” Republicans also celebrated victories by Democrats Don Davis in North Carolina, Jared Moskowitz in Florida and Shomari Figures in Alabama, each of whom rudely remained in Congress after state legislators had removed the political conditions under which that was supposed to happen. Former Attorney General Eric Holder said the strategy had been systematically dismantled, apparently overlooking that dismantlement is now the preferred Republican term for total operational success.
Party officials said the results demonstrated an urgent need to redraw the districts again using stronger safeguards, including fewer cities, fewer college graduates, fewer grocery shoppers and tighter limits on residents who have recently checked their bank balances. The White House described the outcome as democracy functioning backward exactly as designed and said future maps would rely less on demographics and more on the legally robust principle that Republican candidates should not have to compete with people who vote for Democrats. The Republican maps were officially flawless; the electorate had committed the mapping error.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.