Smooth Voting Deepens Election Fraud Crisis

America suffered a catastrophic election setback Tuesday when voting proceeded smoothly across most of the country, depriving millions of patriots of the broken machines, overflowing dumpsters and suspicious vans required to establish that democracy had been stolen. Brief equipment glitches and isolated disruptions were resolved before they could mature into documentaries, while election officials reported limited threats and broadly orderly balloting. FBI officials in Houston also denied viral claims that agents had raided an election site and recovered fraudulent ballots, recklessly pointing out that the photographs offered as proof showed an unrelated event. The insistence on dates, locations and observable facts forced social media investigators to fall back on screenshots, capital letters and a powerful feeling about white cargo vehicles.

President Donald Trump condemned the suspicious competence, warning that a functional election carries all the hallmarks of an operation designed to look functional. “When voting is this smooth, you have to ask why it is so smooth, because honest elections are usually a total disaster,” Trump said. “Nobody has ever seen voting work this well unless very bad people were hiding something incredibly crooked.” Election skeptics agreed that the lack of evidence had become the strongest available evidence, particularly because any evidence disproving fraud could itself have been planted by officials participating in the evidence-removal phase of the fraud.

The Justice Department deployed roughly 1,000 monitors nationwide but failed to locate the millions of illegal voters promised in fundraising emails, an oversight investigators attributed to an advanced Democratic tactic known as people voting once. By Wednesday morning, Americans confronted the alarming possibility that citizens had cast ballots, officials had counted them and states had reported the totals under laws published before Election Day. Online constitutional scholars quickly restored public confidence by explaining that every result remains fraudulent until it favors the correct candidate, at which point the same machines, poll workers and counting procedures become the most secure in history. The election was fraudulent because it worked.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.