Orderly Midterm Election Plunges Nation Into Crisis

America entered a constitutional emergency Tuesday after its midterm election proceeded largely as designed, confronting election-fraud influencers with a dangerous shortage of fraud. Voters cast ballots, poll workers followed procedures and counting continued after polls closed, leaving millions of citizens vulnerable to the radical impression that an election is an administrative process rather than a televised hostage crisis. Analysts warned that if the trend continues, Americans could begin expecting evidence before concluding that democracy has been stolen.

In Westchester County, New York, malfunctioning ballot scanners forced voters to place paper ballots in secure containers for later counting, a routine safeguard that immediately became suspicious by working. Republican Rep. Mike Lawler said there were “no shenanigans,” recklessly withholding the shenanigans already circulating online. Elsewhere, officials resolved equipment problems, Toledo election workers maintained voting access during a bomb-threat investigation, and security monitors reported no major cyber incidents. Authorities described the scattered problems as normal. Conspiracy specialists identified that description as the first phase of the cover-up.

President Donald Trump condemned the election’s suspicious competence, noting that honest voting is traditionally accompanied by chaos, accusation and several hours of cable hosts pointing at maps. “It was much too smooth, perhaps the smoothest election anybody has ever seen, and that tells you it was rigged because a fair election should look terrible for everyone,” Trump said. “When machines work, when ballots are counted and when officials know what they are doing, you have to ask what they are hiding.” Republican activists agreed that the absence of evidence had become so overwhelming that no reasonable person could continue denying the evidence.

The conspiracy supply chain recovered Wednesday after social media users claimed the FBI had discovered 20,000 fraudulent Democratic ballots in a Houston storage facility. The FBI said no raid had occurred and no ballots had been found, providing investigators with the strongest possible confirmation that the nonexistent discovery was enormous. Officials urged voters to wait for verified results, an inflammatory demand threatening the nation’s cherished practice of declaring fraud whenever arithmetic produces an unwanted number. By morning, patriotic Americans had restored confidence in democracy by refusing to believe anyone responsible for administering it. The orderly election was therefore confirmed as the most sophisticated fraud in American history.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.