Trump Declares National Duplicate Dan Emergency

The Trump administration declared a National Duplicate Dan Emergency on Election Day after Alaska voters encountered both Republican Sen. Dan Sullivan and retired teacher Dan Sullivan on the same Senate ballot. The second Sullivan had finished third in the August primary with 2.5% of the vote and conducted almost no campaign, making him the gravest threat to democracy since election officials began printing candidates’ names where voters could see them. The Justice Department sought to delay certification if the senator lost, arguing that two men possessing the same common first and last names constituted unlawful election cloning. A federal judge rejected the request shortly before voting began, recklessly permitting Alaskans to continue reading.

Donald Trump said the Constitution plainly allows only one federally approved Dan Sullivan per ballot. “This is not confusing to me because I understand names better than anybody, but many brilliant legal scholars say there can be only one Dan Sullivan, and obviously it is our Dan, the senator, not the spare Dan,” Trump said. Officials acknowledged that the ballot identified Sen. Sullivan as the incumbent, but described that clarification as an elitist literacy test designed to help voters distinguish between two adult men. Ranked-choice voting compounded the offense by allowing citizens to rank both Dans, effectively placing name recognition in the hands of people standing inside voting booths.

Mary Peltola was condemned for benefiting from the radical Democratic doctrine that voters should inspect a ballot before marking it, while Sen. Lisa Murkowski’s opposition to federal intervention was classified as dangerous pro-reading extremism. White House aides said future election safeguards would require duplicate-name candidates to list their occupation, party registration, height, childhood nickname, favorite breakfast meat and official degree of loyalty to the president. The administration also proposed a National Dan Registry to determine which Dan in each state receives constitutional priority and which must campaign under an alias approved by the attorney general. Officials stressed that election integrity requires counting every lawful vote unless it is cast for the politically incorrect Dan, in which case democracy has been successfully stolen.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.