Millions Interfere With Congress By Voting

Voters launched a coordinated nationwide attack on congressional job security Tuesday, flooding polling places to decide who controls the federal government without first obtaining permission from the people already controlling it. All 435 House seats and 35 Senate seats were exposed to public opinion, threatening Republican majorities that had worked diligently to insulate Washington from the destabilizing preferences of citizens during President Donald Trump’s second term. Democrats needed a net gain of three House seats and four Senate seats, allowing a relatively small number of civilians armed with pens to disrupt years of careful governing by incumbency.

“Nobody has ever seen interference like this, millions of people walking in, voting secretly, and then expecting us to accept whatever numbers come out,” Trump said. “It’s very unfair to Congress, frankly, because Congress already has members, many of whom are doing tremendous things for the people who draw their districts.” The operation proceeded despite Republican efforts in eight states to protect representative government by redrawing congressional boundaries until voters were sorted into districts resembling spilled spaghetti, startled seahorses and one exceptionally nervous salamander.

Democrats led by Hakeem Jeffries in the House and Chuck Schumer in the Senate openly encouraged the participation, advancing the extremist position that Americans should influence laws governing their taxes, wages, health care and civil liberties. Constitutional traditionalists warned that allowing residents to select lawmakers could create a dangerous expectation that elected officials remain accountable between campaign advertisements. A Democratic takeover of either chamber could also produce investigations, blocked legislation and more than one functioning viewpoint inside the Capitol, an institutional breakdown commonly romanticized as checks and balances.

Election officials said final results could take days because workers intended to count every lawful ballot, including those submitted by people who watch the wrong cable network, live in unfashionable counties or hold opinions not already represented by a donor. Americans were urged to remain calm while party leaders, attorneys and television panels determined whether the results accurately reflected democracy or merely reflected voters. By nightfall, the facts were clear: choosing members of Congress had become the nation’s largest organized campaign of federal interference.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.