Justice Department Launches Voter Guidance Through Presidential Revenge Cases
The Justice Department launched a pre-election voter-assistance program this week that identifies President Donald Trump’s enemies before Americans waste valuable time reviewing policies, weighing evidence or developing unauthorized opinions. The service combines renewed charges against former FBI Director James Comey, an unsuccessful effort to indict former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson, charges against two former FBI officials and a search of Democratic Rep. Ilhan Omar’s home. Officials said the concentrated activity ahead of the November 3 midterms was merely a scheduling coincidence produced by the department’s new calendar, which contains only Election Day and days useful to the president.
Critics described the initiative as political because it involves politicians, an election, federal law enforcement and Trump’s publicly catalogued grievances. The administration rejected that interpretation. “This is not retaliation, because retaliation happens right after somebody hurts you,” Trump explained. “These people criticized me years ago, so this is delayed justice arriving at exactly the moment Republican candidates need completely nonpolitical help.” Trump added that the department’s independence remained beyond dispute because he had repeatedly announced whom it should investigate without personally filling out the paperwork.
Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche said genuine political payback would require secrecy, subtlety or at least the courtesy of waiting until after Election Day. FBI Director Kash Patel praised the program as an efficiency breakthrough, noting that voters previously had to compare candidates, study competing claims and decide whether accusations were supported by facts. Under the improved system, federal agents can raid, subpoena or charge anyone whose name appears frequently enough in Trump’s speeches, allowing prosecutors to replace the cumbersome democratic process with a professionally typeset enemies list.
Officials said the program would continue until morale improves, Trump runs out of critics or the department locates the final American who still believes “following the facts” traditionally begins with facts. The Justice Department remains fully independent and now independently prosecutes exactly whom the president wants, exactly when he wants, for the entirely nonpolitical purpose of helping Republicans win elections.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.