Trump Declares 31 Percent Approval A Luxury Brand
President Donald Trump celebrated a 31 percent approval rating Wednesday as proof that his administration has successfully converted public support from a mass democratic commodity into an exclusive luxury product. A national poll released Oct. 19 found that fewer than one in three Americans approved of Trump’s performance, a result the White House said reflected disciplined brand management rather than broad dissatisfaction with the economy, grocery prices and presidential conduct. Democrats cited the numbers as evidence that voters were abandoning Trump, apparently unaware that scarcity is what separates a presidential endorsement from something available at Costco.
“Anybody can have 50 percent approval, and frankly that’s very common, very cheap,” Trump said. “But 31 percent is special, very exclusive. These are the finest approvers anywhere, and each one counts at least three times, maybe four, according to tremendous mathematics.” Administration officials said Trump had not lost supporters but had removed millions of insufficiently premium customers from the presidential approval program. Disapproving Americans will remain on a waiting list until they demonstrate renewed brand loyalty by applauding their grocery receipts, thanking the president for higher utility bills and referring to unaffordable housing as an aspirational ownership experience.
Republican candidates initially expressed concern that Trump’s rating could damage the party in the Nov. 3 midterms. Campaign strategists quickly reassured them that losing independents by historic margins is an advanced turnout technique in which fewer people vote Republican, making each remaining Republican ballot rarer and therefore more collectible. Officials also noted that a small customer base allows the party to offer personalized service, including direct fundraising messages, emergency donation requests and individual reminders that every unfavorable poll is fraudulent except when it demonstrates the president’s exclusivity.
Trump further observed that his approval rating is lower than it was before the 2018 midterms, when Republicans lost control of the House, calling that outcome the kind of proven experience voters expect from an established brand. Campaign officials expect support to become even more prestigious by Election Day, potentially shrinking until every approving voter can fit comfortably inside a single donor reception. The decline confirms that Trump is now the most valuable president in America because almost nobody can afford to approve of him.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.