FBI Employees Sue For Right To Investigate President
Nine former FBI employees sued the bureau Thursday for the radical privilege of performing assigned law-enforcement work without first confirming that the evidence had no political connections. The agents, intelligence analysts and operations staffers worked on special counsel Jack Smith’s classified-documents investigation before being dismissed over two days in February. Their federal lawsuit seeks reinstatement and back pay, based on the obsolete theory that the FBI investigates suspected crimes rather than maintaining the president’s customer-satisfaction rating.
President Donald Trump praised FBI Director Kash Patel for identifying the bureau’s most dangerous internal faction: employees who read warrants, cataloged evidence and failed to recognize that classified documents become complimentary resort stationery upon arrival at Mar-a-Lago. “These people were looking at documents very viciously and asking questions nobody should ask, especially questions that might have answers,” Trump said. “Kash stopped them before they investigated another crime, maybe even a real crime, which is tremendous law enforcement and also probably constitutional.”
The lawsuit alleges political retaliation, an accusation administration officials rejected on the grounds that retaliation is now called accountability when directed backward through time at anyone who lacked sufficient foresight about the next election. Patel previously described participants in the Mar-a-Lago search as “corrupt government gangsters,” establishing a clear professional standard for bureau personnel: Agents remain free to investigate anyone who has never appointed their director, appeared on television with their director or received an encouraging social-media post from their director.
If reinstated, the employees would return to an FBI streamlined around a single investigative procedure. Before opening a case, agents must determine whether the subject is unpopular with the president, insufficiently flattering toward the president or safely unable to fire their supervisors. Evidence may then be reviewed for its legal significance, provided its legal significance does not create an awkward morning segment on cable television. Under the bureau’s updated mission, investigating Donald Trump is the only federal offense the FBI can still reliably prosecute.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.