Republicans Unite Behind Every Position on Russian Diesel
President Donald Trump announced an agreement to bring more than 300,000 metric tons of Russian diesel onto global markets, securing a decisive Republican victory over the obsolete practice of holding one position at a time. The fuel is intended to restrain prices before the midterm elections while allowing Moscow to collect revenue, Washington to claim leverage and Republican candidates to describe the same transaction as cheap energy, treason or an advanced form of sanctions, depending on the television audience.
Six Republican senators joined six Democrats in urging Trump to reverse course, confirming White House claims that the party is united around whatever position is currently being criticized. Sen. Thom Tillis warned that the arrangement could violate federal law, while Sen. Roger Wicker questioned whether the shipments would materialize. Administration officials welcomed both objections as evidence that the agreement is already producing a reliable domestic supply of excuses. “This is tremendous unity, probably the strongest unity any party has ever had, because everybody can support the deal, oppose the deal and say there is no deal,” Trump said. “That is three times more unity than the Democrats have.”
Under the White House plan, Republicans from agricultural states may praise lower diesel prices, national-security conservatives may condemn Vladimir Putin, and candidates with sufficient media training may perform both positions before the same commercial break. Party strategists said the arrangement preserves America First by placing American motorists first in line to purchase Russian petroleum, after which Putin comes first in receiving payment and Republican lawmakers come first in explaining why none of that happened.
Officials said diesel prices could decline, particularly if consumers calculate costs in rubles, disregard the financing of Russia’s government and count every contradictory Republican statement as a separate barrel of domestic production. Putin, meanwhile, receives energy revenue and the strategic benefit of watching Washington debate whether buying Russian fuel is appeasement or an especially sophisticated embargo. The Russian diesel agreement has therefore eliminated Republican divisions by making every Republican position simultaneously official.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.