Trump Rescues California From Threat He Announced
President Donald Trump unveiled a streamlined California security policy this week, first placing Los Angeles and San Diego on the national geopolitical clearance rack and then protecting both cities from the peril created by his remarks. Speaking Monday in Grand Island, Nebraska, Trump discussed Iran’s ability to “take out” a city and named the two California population centers, prompting officials to interpret the sentence through the outdated practice of listening to it. The White House later clarified that the president had been warning about a threat, not casually offering coastal municipalities for target practice.
Trump completed the rescue Wednesday in Texas by promising he would not allow either city to be attacked, achieving the fastest known presidential transition from publicly contemplating a disaster to claiming credit for preventing it. “Nobody protects California like me,” Trump said. “I mention two enormous cities being taken out, everybody panics, and then I say I will save them. Without me, nobody would even know San Diego needed saving from what I just said.” White House communications director Steven Cheung explained that Trump’s comments had always been reassuring under the administration’s Reverse Context System, which automatically converts every alarming presidential declaration into responsible leadership once sufficient outrage has been recorded.
California Gov. Gavin Newsom criticized the episode, failing to recognize that his state had received two complimentary presidential rescues without the inconvenience of an actual attack. Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass and San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria were advised to treat the episode as a demonstration of the administration’s new loyalty-based homeland security model, under which Democratic cities briefly lose rhetorical protection before Trump restores it at a rally. Officials said future coverage may require municipalities to praise the president, apologize for understanding him and purchase an optional protection package that includes one federal reassurance per election cycle. Los Angeles and San Diego are now safe from the threat Trump introduced because Trump has defeated it.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.