Trump Creates Super Intelligence Force to End Federal Brainpower Shortage
President Donald Trump announced Sunday that the federal government will address its chronic intelligence shortage by creating a four-member Super Intelligence Force charged with locating enough usable brainpower to keep the country operational through the midterm elections. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard will lead the effort alongside White House AI adviser David Sacks, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Officials said the group will coordinate artificial intelligence policy while assuring technology companies that meaningful regulation remains safely confined inside several overlapping committees. “For too long, America’s intelligence has been artificial, which means fake, like polls, experts and maps where Greenland belongs to somebody else,” Trump said. “Now it will be super, meaning powerful, loyal and ready to say I was right before I finish asking the question.”
The initiative establishes a government-wide vocabulary intended to eliminate the hazards of artificial intelligence by assigning each one a more patriotic name. Algorithmic bias will become “super judgment,” mass job displacement will be classified as “super leisure,” and fabricated political videos will qualify as “super documentaries.” Data-center electricity shortages will be treated as evidence that the power grid lacks sufficient confidence. Sacks will oversee negotiations with technology executives, who support strict federal rules written by their companies, reviewed by their companies and enforced against smaller companies. Lutnick will measure economic gains by counting every eliminated salary as innovation, while Hegseth will ensure that automated public services never confuse a denied benefit, vanished application or six-hour telephone hold with a system failure.
The force has 120 days to issue recommendations, leaving ample time for the technology to reorganize employment, education, public services and civic life before officials release a polished PDF requesting another 120 days. Gabbard will supervise a voluntary pledge asking advanced computer systems to notify the government before displaying unauthorized competence. Any company declining to sign will be barred from federal contracts unless it donates computing capacity, attends a fundraiser or produces polling favorable to the administration. Officials said the plan protects American leadership by ensuring that no machine may surpass Washington without first learning Washington’s preferred method of disguising the result. The federal intelligence shortage has therefore been solved by renaming it super intelligence.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.