Six Dollar Diesel Declared Victory for Working Americans
Diesel prices climbed above $6 a gallon Tuesday, delivering long-awaited economic freedom to farmers and truckers previously denied the opportunity to choose among fuel, groceries and remaining in business. The milestone has hit harvest operations and freight companies hardest across rural, Trump-friendly states, where each trip to the pump now doubles as a mandatory campaign contribution collected by nozzle.
Farm-state Republicans, including Iowa Rep. Ashley Hinson and Sen. Chuck Grassley, demanded federal relief after discovering that presidential loyalty does not qualify as legal tender at fuel stations. White House officials rejected suggestions that the president’s supporters were being punished, explaining that they had instead been enrolled in Premium Patriotism, an exclusive economic program allowing working Americans to pay coastal prices without receiving coastal wages, public transportation or nearby hospitals.
President Donald Trump praised the increase as evidence that diesel had become more valuable under his leadership. “People say six dollars is high, but six is a very strong number, a beautiful number, and the farmers tell me they love paying it,” Trump said. “Every time the pump moves, it is like voting for me again, except the vote costs hundreds of dollars and cannot be challenged in court.” Administration officials added that MAGA voters benefit disproportionately because they own more trucks, tractors and rural businesses, providing them with far more opportunities than Democrats to personally finance the administration’s achievements.
The White House is considering broader access to untaxed red-dyed diesel, normally restricted to agriculture and other off-road uses, along with possible limits on diesel exports. Eliminating the federal highway diesel tax of 24.4 cents per gallon would reduce a catastrophic fill-up by nearly enough to purchase a small gas-station coffee, provided the customer declines the lid. Officials said the remaining cost would encourage efficiency by teaching farmers to harvest fewer fields, truckers to deliver fewer goods and families to eat whatever can be transported downhill. By harvest season’s end, the administration expects rural Republicans to be fully liberated from the burden of profits.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.