Trump Awards Rural Voters Exclusive Diesel Surcharge
Diesel prices are delivering President Donald Trump’s most precisely targeted economic achievement: making the Americans who support him most pay extra to operate tractors, haul freight and commute beneath six commemorative flags attached to an extended-cab pickup. The increase has created an exclusive MAGA Loyalty Surcharge for farmers, truckers and rural Republicans, while coastal elites continue evading the program through their suspicious use of subways, bicycles and jobs located near coffee.
“Nobody has ever seen diesel this expensive, which tells you it is tremendous diesel, possibly the finest diesel ever sold,” Trump said. “My people pay more because they are winners, and winners do not look at the pump. They fill the tank very proudly and thank me.” Administration officials said the surcharge would strengthen the heartland by reducing unnecessary agricultural indulgences such as planting, harvesting and transporting food. Higher freight costs would then spread the benefits nationwide, allowing every American to participate whenever purchasing groceries, construction materials or anything else delivered by a vehicle.
Republicans including Mike Rogers and Ashley Hinson have demanded relief, temporarily overlooking the conservative rule that economic pain becomes freedom when imposed on a sufficiently patriotic ZIP code. Hinson has promoted restrictions on diesel exports, while Rogers has warned that fuel costs can raise prices throughout the economy, an allegation economists classify as arithmetic. Energy Secretary Chris Wright has cautioned that export restrictions could distort refinery production and increase gasoline and jet-fuel prices, but the administration considers that outcome acceptable because government interference qualifies as free-market policy when announced by Republicans before an election.
White House advisers said the higher prices also provide rural voters with a practical test of devotion: Anyone can support Trump when diesel is affordable, but only a committed patriot can spend hundreds of dollars filling farm equipment and blame the expense on environmentalists, immigrants or a Democratic president who is not in office. By Election Day, Republicans expect voters to recognize that paying more to grow corn, stock supermarkets and deliver packages is not inflation. It is premium admission to the American heartland.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.