Republicans Name Trump Nominee For Every Congressional Seat
Republicans designated Donald Trump the functional nominee for all 535 congressional seats during a two-day national midterm convention in Dallas, eliminating the costly tradition of presenting voters with hundreds of separate candidates who possess names, biographies and occasional opinions. Party officials said the streamlined arrangement would let every Republican campaign focus on the only local issue now recognized by the national committee: whether Trump has received enough praise from residents of a district he may never have visited.
The gathering at the American Airlines Center was organized to energize Republicans before the November 3 midterms by reminding them that Congress exists primarily as a supporting cast. Several sections of empty seats maintained message discipline throughout the program, declining to interrupt speakers with independent thoughts. “I’m running for the House, the Senate, every district, all of it, because nobody understands these communities better than I do, including the people who have lived there their entire lives,” Trump said, accepting the symbolic nominations with the modesty traditionally associated with being declared 535 candidates at once.
House Speaker Mike Johnson welcomed the consolidation, which will spare Republican candidates from developing local positions, learning constituents’ names or appearing in campaign literature above the legal disclaimer. Senate Majority Leader John Thune was assigned the essential legislative duty of standing nearby for presidential praise, followed immediately by criticism and instructions to try harder. Under the new structure, candidates will continue appearing on ballots for administrative reasons, much as assistant managers retain name tags after corporate headquarters has made every decision.
The convention also promoted the Republican tax-and-spending agenda and Trump’s promise of $5,000 payments to American adults if the party retains Congress, reaffirming fiscal conservatism through its oldest principle: distributing large checks while describing arithmetic as socialism. Party officials said the model could soon extend to school boards, zoning commissions and neighborhood associations, where every ballot will ask how strongly voters wish to reelect Trump to an office he is not seeking. The Republican Party now has one candidate, and democracy has 535 clerical errors.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.