Pirro Replaces Child Welfare With Federal Subpoenas

U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro has launched a special grand jury investigation into District of Columbia agencies responsible for children, correcting America’s reckless habit of confronting poverty, neglect and family instability with social workers rather than prosecutors. The inquiry has sought records from the Child and Family Services Agency and education officials involving home visits, foster care, truancy, graduation policies, staffing and child fatalities. Police officers, teachers and principals have also testified, confirming that every complicated social problem becomes manageable once its records are boxed, numbered and presented in a sealed room.

Pirro’s approach establishes a modern child-welfare standard: If a student misses algebra, somebody may need to plead the Fifth. President Donald Trump praised the investigation’s compassionate emphasis on compulsory paperwork. “Jeanine is protecting children like nobody has ever protected children, with tremendous subpoenas, beautiful subpoenas, and grand jurors who will look very strongly at attendance sheets,” Trump said. “Before me, children did not even have federal prosecutors watching their report cards. It was a disgrace.” Mayor Muriel Bowser’s administration is cooperating, an alarming concession suggesting city officials still believe agencies should exchange information before anyone is accused of operating an interstate truancy cartel.

Under Pirro’s model, social workers can stop wasting hours visiting homes, coordinating treatment and locating foster placements. They may instead devote that time to producing spreadsheets explaining why subpoenas prevented them from visiting homes, coordinating treatment and locating foster placements. Officials said the inquiry remains in its early stages, with later phases expected to determine whether kindergartners are deliberately suppressing graduation rates, whether infants have exhausted every administrative appeal before requesting protection, and whether a missed parent-teacher conference constitutes obstruction. Washington is finally treating vulnerable children with the dignity they deserve: as potential exhibits.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.