Trump Guarantees Republican Victories By Campaigning For Them
President Donald Trump unveiled a comprehensive rescue plan Wednesday for vulnerable Republicans, promising to insert himself into all 35 congressional races expected to determine control of Congress. During a White House meeting, Trump assured lawmakers that he would visit their districts, dominate their advertisements, revive local controversies they had successfully buried and explain that every election was ultimately a referendum on his personal grievances. The announcement relieved Republican candidates who had feared they might be forced to campaign on their own records.
Lawmakers had hoped Trump might distribute some of MAGA Inc.’s roughly $403 million campaign fund. Instead, they received something considered more valuable under current party accounting rules: unlimited presidential attention. “Nobody has ever helped candidates like I help candidates, because sometimes they are ahead before I arrive, and afterward they have tremendous free time,” Trump said. “No more campaign events, no more fundraising, no more serving in Congress. I give them their lives back, and they thank me privately.” Republicans welcomed the strategy by studying their drinks and calculating the distance from their districts to the nearest international airport.
House Speaker Mike Johnson praised Trump for preserving campaign funds rather than wasting money on advertisements, field offices or other outdated methods of contacting voters. Johnson said the president could generate enthusiasm simply by arriving in a suburban district, insulting a popular local official and spending 80 minutes discussing an unrelated criminal case. Michigan Rep. Tom Barrett and several colleagues nevertheless planned to skip an upcoming Dallas convention, citing constituent meetings, family obligations and a sudden medical need to remain outside the president’s field of vision.
White House officials declared the meeting a complete success. Before Trump intervened, vulnerable Republicans faced months of uncertainty over whether they could survive a difficult midterm environment. They may now cancel polling, dismiss consultants and begin drafting concession speeches well ahead of schedule. Trump’s campaign appearances are the most effective Democratic turnout operation in the country.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.