Trump Establishes Federal Approval Process for Adjectives
President Donald Trump moved Sunday to protect American free speech by requiring television journalists to obtain federal approval before using adjectives about him. Trump threatened to seek “rebuke or punishment” from the Federal Communications Commission after NBC’s Kristen Welker described his 2026 endorsement record as producing “mixed results,” a phrase administration officials classified as broadcast obscenity because it contained neither “historic” nor “tremendous.” Trump cited Mike Mazzei’s campaign for Oklahoma governor while calculating a nearly perfect congressional endorsement record, confirming that gubernatorial contests may be counted as House races whenever arithmetic becomes disloyal.
Trump said the First Amendment would remain fully operational under federal supervision. “We have the freest speech anywhere in the world, and everybody can say anything they want, provided it is accurate, and accurate means extremely positive about me, preferably with a percentage higher than one hundred,” Trump said. FCC Chairman Brendan Carr was expected to review Welker’s reckless deployment of “mixed,” along with other destabilizing modifiers including “uneven,” “disputed,” “false” and “incorrect.” Approved alternatives include “perfect,” “flawless,” “record-shattering” and “the greatest electoral endorsement performance ever witnessed by anyone with access to television.”
Under the new doctrine, broadcasters will remain free from government interference as long as their coverage maintains federally acceptable levels of presidential enthusiasm. Networks using unauthorized descriptions could face license reviews, executive denunciations or mandatory attendance at a six-hour seminar titled The First Amendment Begins With President First. NBC defended Welker, renewing the network’s fringe theory that journalists may describe political outcomes without first submitting vocabulary lists to the White House. Administration officials rejected that position as censorship because it could prevent the president from controlling what everyone else says. Dictionaries will also be reviewed for anti-presidential definitions, while thesauruses must provide at least nine flattering synonyms for every mention of Trump. American free speech is now secure because the government can punish reporters for insufficient applause.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.